So here's why normal people shouldn't buy $222 shoes online. Otherwise known as, why I can't have nice things.
The four of you who read this blog know that I am not famous. I am an unfamous NYC actress. And somehow last year I bumbled into a Broadway show, having stopped acting to have a child, not worked for several years, and pretty much determined that no one would ever cast me in a play again. So I did the play. It was a great experience and low and behold it was nominated for a Tony Award. So I'm going. This Sunday.
What am I wearing? What, you think LL Bean might not be able to outfit me for the Tonys? Ms TJ Maxx may be out of her league? Ok, yeah. My manager knows an incredible PR guy at Carmen Marc Valvo and after two trips to a room full of dresses right out of "The Devil Wears Prada" I have a gorgeous silk chiffon dress to wear. On loansies. Amazing.
So shoes. Ok don't mock me. Because I feared I actually would make it to Sunday and not have a pair of shoes to wear other than Keens, I went to Aerosoles (I said don't mock me) and got a pair of gold shoes on sale. Just in case. Don't mock me. I then went online to the amazing Zappos and ordered two pairs of the most gorgeous Elie Tahari strappy sandals. A ten and a ten and a half. Because come ON, my feet may have flattened during pregnancy but I didn't go from a nine and a half to an ELEVEN! Right? They arrived at my door in what seemed like 45 minutes. They were on sale. They were two hundred and twenty dollars. I have NEVER bought shoes anywhere near this expensive. But come on. The Tonys! Once in a lifetime. And a kick ass free dress. So they came. Two hundred and twenty dollar shoes come in beautiful boxes. And they are gorgeous. I slipped on the tens. Too small. I slipped on the ten and a halfs. Um. Could they be too small? I wore them a few minutes. My hideous toes slid over the edge a bit. Really? So I kept wearing them around my apartment for about five to seven minutes. Doc Hubby agreed. Too small.
No worries! Zappos pays for returns. Genius. I determined to pack them up. Order (gulp) elevens tonight. They'll be here Saturday. Return the others. I pulled them off my feet and HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THAT ALL OVER THE BOTTOMS OF THESE SHOES!!!!
So there are two problems. Well myriads really. The bottoms of these shoes are like butter. Soft gorgeous leather. And the first thing I noticed when I went to carefully slip the shoes back into the box--spots. Water I believe. I am making pasta for the Bean. Probably a few drips on the floor. Maybe that will dry? And then I noticed the brown crungies. Food or crumbs or something. Now may I remind you, I did not wear these on the streets of New York City. Just in my teeny tiny apartment. Possible to carefully scrape off the crumbs? Possible. But then I took off my glasses and looked carefully. They soles are pitted. Pocked. With what?
Yup. Kitty Litter. Embedded
This is why normal people should not buy $222 shoes on Zappos. Because we have hardwood floors and small apartments, and when we have never worn a pair of $222 shoes before, we have no idea how incredibly soft and fragile the soles are.
My advice to you if you decide to buy expensive shoes online and need to try them on before you decide to send them back? Sweep your danged apartment. You'll be glad you did. And Zappos, I love you, but if you can figure out that I'm an LL Bean girl ordering $222 shoes using all that wacky computer stuff, can you put a little note in my box that tells me "wear these shoes on carpet or sweetheart, you're buying them." Thanks.